A Guide to Truly Evaluating Your ‘Perfect’ Ex-Partner Post Breakup
A lot of people idolize their current or ex-partner, especially their ex-partner when feelings are still strong. They eagerly overlook potential red flags and areas where things may not completely align. Sometimes people convince themselves that their ex is ‘the one’.
One particular post on our reddit page (which in fact prompted this blog) stated the following:
“I can’t shake the feeling that my ex was “the one”. I can still picture her in my head and she is still the most beautiful person on the planet. I’ve gone on multiple dates since our breakup but none of them even come close to her. “
So how do you change this mindset that they are the one that got away and you will never find someone as perfect as them?
The first step is to look at this relationship and the person in a pragmatic way and do some deep and honest reflection without the emotion – we want factual and definitive answers not “they are perfect”.
This will not change your feelings straight away, this isn’t a quick guide to get over them. This is to establish whether your idealised view of them is justified.
Below are some key questions you need to ask yourself to evaluate whether your ex is as perfect for you as you think they are. These are questions you need to answer with 100% truthfulness because remember, you want to find differences.
1. Shared Values:
- What are your core values, and do they align with your ex-partner's?
- What values align with your ex? Be specific.
- What values don’t align with your ex? Again, be specific – and this can’t be none. NOONE is 100% compatible, there are always differences you just need to be honest with yourself about them.
- Are there any significant differences in beliefs or principles that might become sources of conflict in the future?
Understanding each other's values is crucial as they form the foundation of a strong and lasting relationship. Shared values provide a sense of unity and purpose, helping you navigate life's challenges together. Have you been compromising your values to fit in with your ex? Have you been moulding yourself into a version of you that you think they want but that isn’t truthful to yourself?
2. Life Goals and Ambitions:
- What are your short-term and long-term goals?
- Do you and your partner share similar aspirations for the future?
- Do you both have the same family plans/goals?
- Describe your lifestyle and compare this to your ex’s lifestyle. Are they compatible?
- Do you both see kids in your future?
It's important to ensure that your individual life goals and ambitions complement each other. This includes considerations such as career aspirations, family planning, and lifestyle preferences. This is particularly important as these are things that can define you as a person and your life. If you are giving too much of yourself to suit the other person then you may end up resenting them or unhappy.
3. Communication Styles:
- How do you and your partner communicate during both good and challenging times?
- Are you comfortable discussing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly?
- Do they engage in open communication with you?
- Do they listen and validate your feelings when you went to them with a problem?
- How did they treat you in the presence of others? How did they make you feel?
Effective communication is the backbone of a healthy relationship. Assessing your communication styles and ensuring compatibility in this area can help build trust and understanding between partners. The crux of this is were they a safe place for you to be vulnerable, did they allow you to vent and make you feel validated, seen, and heard? Or did they brush off any issues that bothered you?
4. Conflict Resolution:
- How do you and your partner handle disagreements? What did this look like in disagreements between you?
- Are you both open to compromise and finding solutions together?
- Did they work on conflict resolution or did they invalidate what you said?
- Did they use derogatory labels such as oversensitive or crazy?
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but it's crucial to evaluate how you and your partner navigate them. Healthy conflict resolution involves effective communication, empathy, and a willingness to work together to find common ground.
5. Compatibility of Personality Traits:
- What are your ex partner's dominant personality traits, and how do they align with yours?
- What are the differences in your personalities that complement each other?
- What are the areas of friction?
- Did they encourage your personal growth or did they try and stifle it and have you confirm to them and their wants?
- Did you find you gave up what you liked to do or hobbies for the relationship?
While opposites can attract, it's important to assess whether your personality traits complement each other or if there are potential areas of conflict. Too many people change their personalities to please the other person in order to maintain the relationship. This is what often leads to a person ‘losing’ themselves and so when the relationship ends they feel lost.
Evaluating whether the person you're idealizing is the right one for you requires introspection, being open and brutally honest with yourself, and a genuine understanding of your own values and goals.
By asking these essential questions and engaging in thoughtful conversations, you can hopefully identify that actually this person isn’t as perfect as you thought they were – you just had blinkers on!
As mentioned above, this will not stop you loving them if you still do, but it is the first step to moving on. If you can identify that they are not, in fact, as perfect as you thought, then that leaves room to find someone just as good, if not better, in the future when you are ready to start your dating journey again.
If you found this blog helpful our 30 Day Breakup Recovery course offers more and exclusive content. Try it today and get access to all of the course content with a 5 day full money back guarantee.
Otherwise any donation would be greatly appreciated.